One of Those Days

Or maybe just one of those weeks.  I've been looking through Proverbs 3, which is aptly titled "Guidance for the Young."  Reading through it is showing me how much more I still have to learn.  I'm trying to work on not leaning toward my own understanding of things, which is extremely difficult.  Living inside this head of mine day after day, it is hard to give up the notion that my own understanding might not be supreme. 

I recently stumbled upon the photography of Lucie and Simon, two french photographers who collaborate to produce dark and highly narrative photos.  Just my style!

Shameless

Shameless TV show.  Pretty funny, but not the topic of this blog.

    
     This week I've been learning about repentance, which has been blowing my mind.  Up to this point, I have really thought of repentance as an action-- the steps I take to get rid of the guilty feeling I have about my sin.  I am so much more comfortable when I have a list set out of things I can do to improve myself.  I have really had to take a step back to think about how warped my perception is. 
     As one who is very prone to fall into self-pity, it is easy for me to mistake my guilt for repentance, to confuse my shame with a real turning toward God.  When I complain to God about what a wretched individual I am, I really think I'm doing the right thing.  It really is quite the opposite. The root of my shame and self-loathing is the disappointment that I am not as morally good as I would like-- that my perception of myself is not where I would like it to be.  It is truly a self-centered sorrow, focused on how I've grieved and let down myself, instead of how I've grieved my God.  The shame can eat away at me, and I struggle to find ways to make myself right before God. 
    Why don't I have the simple faith to believe that I'm already right before God?  My futile actions to redeem myself actually make a mockery of the cross.  Of course I am a mess-- I'm prideful and doubtful, and hateful and lustful.  But the one thing that I refuse to notice in myself is my shameful reliance on myself.  2 Corinth. 7:9,10 puts things well:
"I am happy, not b/c you were made sorry, but b/c your sorrow led you to repentance.  For you became sorrowful as God intended...Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret..."
     I love self-improvement.  I think a lot of people in today's culture do too. We just have to remember what this focus says about our faith. 

Hear Ye! Hear Ye!

I will be speaking at both West End Presbyterian Church and City Church tomorrow.  Keep me in your prayers!!

Money Talks

    

     Money has been on my mind a lot in recent days.  The sub jobs available to me are few and far between, and whatever pay I get from them is quickly spent on gas to travel to and from downtown Richmond.  As the Christmas season begins, I struggle to think about how I am going to afford getting "proper" gifts for my family.  It even flows into my mind in support raising.  How can I ask others to give to my work when I have no money to give back to others?  This sense of guilt has been building over some time now, only culminating recently when I had a discussion with my pastor.  It finally hit me--- I am bad with money.  Not only am I bad with managing my own finances, but I have such a weak spirit of faith and such a strong fear of man, that I struggle to talk about giving with other people.  It is so easy for me to think it is all about me, that people base their decisions to give on how convicting I am, how much of a giver I am.  What a helpless feeling that is! Yes, if it was all up to me, I would really be in some trouble.  It is freeing to know that the exact opposite is true. 

James 4:13 reads, "Come now, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to such a city, spend a year there, buy and sell, and make a profit; ' whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow.  For what is your life?  It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away.  Instead you ought to say, 'If the Lord wills, we shall live and do this or that.' But now you boast in your arrogance.  All such  boasting is evil.  Therefore, to him who knows to do good and does not do it, to him it is sin." 

How quick I am to complicate things in my life.  If I could only remember these words each day and stop thinking about the appearance of things. 

hope international

Children International

Last night, I got to hear some very encouraging words from Katie Nienow, the head of Development for Hope International.  Hope International is a micro-financing organization that works in developing countries.  Here is the website.  Katie is pretty much the head of fundraising for the company, and she meets with people in the top socio-economic tiers and discusses giving with them.  What a bold woman!  I was very inspired by her passion for justice and for giving.  She brought up some very good ideas for keeping our finances in perspective.  First, she mentioned how apt we are to compare ourselves with those around us who have more.  It makes us feel like we are the lacking ones.  She urged us to keep a global mindset, reminding us that compared to everywhere else in the world, we are in the top brackets of wealth.  I was also hit with the idea of accountability and transparency in spending.  She posed the idea of sharing our bank statements with a close friend who can keep us in check.  That idea had never crossed my mind before.  We read from 2 Corinthians 8, which calls us to give freely.  When it  comes down to it, I should have no reservations about reminding myself and others to give-- our God has already made sacrifice for all of our needs.  The least we can do is give in hopes of reflecting this grace. 

World Vision, working the cuteness