Shameless

Shameless TV show.  Pretty funny, but not the topic of this blog.

    
     This week I've been learning about repentance, which has been blowing my mind.  Up to this point, I have really thought of repentance as an action-- the steps I take to get rid of the guilty feeling I have about my sin.  I am so much more comfortable when I have a list set out of things I can do to improve myself.  I have really had to take a step back to think about how warped my perception is. 
     As one who is very prone to fall into self-pity, it is easy for me to mistake my guilt for repentance, to confuse my shame with a real turning toward God.  When I complain to God about what a wretched individual I am, I really think I'm doing the right thing.  It really is quite the opposite. The root of my shame and self-loathing is the disappointment that I am not as morally good as I would like-- that my perception of myself is not where I would like it to be.  It is truly a self-centered sorrow, focused on how I've grieved and let down myself, instead of how I've grieved my God.  The shame can eat away at me, and I struggle to find ways to make myself right before God. 
    Why don't I have the simple faith to believe that I'm already right before God?  My futile actions to redeem myself actually make a mockery of the cross.  Of course I am a mess-- I'm prideful and doubtful, and hateful and lustful.  But the one thing that I refuse to notice in myself is my shameful reliance on myself.  2 Corinth. 7:9,10 puts things well:
"I am happy, not b/c you were made sorry, but b/c your sorrow led you to repentance.  For you became sorrowful as God intended...Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret..."
     I love self-improvement.  I think a lot of people in today's culture do too. We just have to remember what this focus says about our faith.