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| Sunrise in Mexico |
It
has been ages since I’ve written anything of my life or state of mind at
current. That is because during
these past few months I have been moving inside a twister of changes,
decisions, and transitions. My
mind has had a hard time staying present at any one thought for more than a few
seconds, let alone an hour or so for written reflection. I’m starting to get the feeling that
this will be a more accurate picture of life in the states during this
season—rushing through responsibilities as neatly and quickly as possible,
mustering up any intentionality I can, all while trying to take away any ounce
of heavenly-lesson that God may be using amidst the earthly chaos. John and I have been reading through
Proverbs, which I am hoping will quiet my attention-deficit mind and redirect
my chronically self-absorbed heart.
I feel lost in this new season of life and fear that my greenness will
lead me to make dumb decisions that will disappoint my friends, family,
community, and Sudanese friends. I’ve
been searching for wisdom, particularly as a new wife, an out-of-towner, and a
job seeker, by trusting my gut instinct and continuing to move forward so I can
see external progress. I daily
forget that wisdom is only received through faith, given by the One who defines
it. When Jesus gives advice to his
disciples he says, “You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to
go and bear fruit.” (John 15:16) Good
fruit cannot be willfully created by myself—both a humbling and a freeing
realization.
God has been good to teach me a few things as I adjust to
this new phase of adulthood in Philadelphia. I thought I’d share some.
1.
My fears reveal my faith (or lack thereof):
I’ve been facing a lot of fears here in
Philly—driving busy streets, applying to new schools, confronting Western
culture, and communicating the good the bad and the ugly with my new
husband. All these things shake my
fragile bones and reveal how weak and incapable I really am. It is sad to realize how little I trust
God’s provision in my life. Even
sadder is that the people around me have to witness this utter lack of
faith. God has been reminding me
that only He can bring real peace, so to lose the fear, I have to lose
control and fall freely into the arms of the Almighty God.
2.
Hope is good:
In the words of Andy Dufresne,
“Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.” Life in America depresses me. Here, I see and feel the overwhelming
paradox of complete emptiness and fear amidst all the excess and pride. As a believer, I can’t simply resign
myself to the cynicism of this broken world. Yes, there is pain and suffering; I cannot deny that. I of all people am prone to look at the
world through a darker lense. However, hope is real and it needs to shape my
public life. The hope of the
gospel should propel me to act towards justice, to give of myself as the Lord
calls me to. “Do not withhold good
from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act. Do not say to your neighbor, ‘Come back
later; I’ll give it tomorrow’—when you now have it with you.” (Proverbs 3:27,28) I must keep moving out in love, giving
with the belief that God is really making all things for good.
3.
Grace upon grace:
Working on a small team in
South Sudan, I got used to examining the sins, not only of myself, but also of
others. I spent time talking
through conflict and used up much of my emotional reserves to make sense of the
strange and powerful idols in the hearts of man. When I found out I’d be spending more time in the states, I
looked forward to not having to address this “sin issue” so frequently. I quickly realized how wrong I
was. Living with parents, planning
a wedding, moving to a new city, and getting married all shoved me into the
fire, reminding me of the power of sin in both myself and in others. Of course, in America, sin looks
different. People hide their sin
behind smiling faces and busy schedules, words of empty agreement, and hours
behind computer screens. It is a
bit more veiled, which can make it even scarier. People are less aware of their own sin, and I feel the gnawing
urge to reveal this ignorance to them (completely forgetting about my own sin,
of course). Here in the states I
am around many more strange people, whose chaotic lives have to unfortunately overlap
with mine, messing up the order and peace that I have so obsessively tried to
maintain. Luckily for me, God has
blessed me with the patience and forgiveness, otherwise known as grace, from
friends, family, and my loving husband John. These people take me as I am, heinous sin and all. They ask questions and listen. They send letters and prayers. Most important, they believe that I am
a beloved child of God and make sure to remind me of that each day. This grace propels me to give out
grace, as well—to listen without judgment and to step outside of my controlled
world into the world of others. We
are all in this together, after all.
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| February, 8'th-- Married! |
Wisdom is supreme; therefore, get wisdom. Though it cost all you have,
get understanding. Esteem her, and she will exalt you;
embrace her, and she will honor you.
-Proverbs 4:7,8
