On Forgiveness

eye for an eye: always seems like a good idea on film

 
       All signs the past couple of weeks have been pointing me to forgiveness (against much refusal and stubborn denial on my part).  If someone told me I have problems forgiving, I would initially reject this accusation.  I honestly don't have a lot of conflict with people, so I can quickly assume I forgive and forget rather easily.  However, once you start bringing in words like, "anger, bitterness, and rage" I start to wonder, "how much do I hold onto?"  The more I have been dwelling on this topic, the more the Lord has been revealing to me the extent of my bitterness and anger, and my refusal to forgive as the Lord calls me to forgive.
     As someone who is a moral "striver," I tend to ignore or suppress feelings of anger and replace them with more appropriate words like, "worry" or "sadness." I forget that God has created all emotions and they are not intrinsically bad.  Anger can be okay if it is out of defense for something good (but not okay if it is out of defense for my ego or my agenda).  However, I tend to take things a little too far, dwelling on words said, (or, even worse, words unsaid) and I become imprisoned to these interactions until my own personal sense of "justice" has been achieved.
     It is a complete reversal of the gospel, a complete rejection of the grace that the Lord has so generously lavished upon me.  Given my prideful nature, it is just so very difficult to forgive.  Tim Keller says, "When you forgive, that means you absorb the loss... All forgiveness, then, is costly."  My tendency is to run away from emotional pain, to ignore the hurts for as long as humanly possible (or at least until a deeper wound has been made).  Even more difficult, is forgiving when offenders show no sign of remorse or changed behavior.  "The nerve!" I think to myself, shooting emotional daggers in their direction.  I don't even pause to think about my own unchanged, sinful behavior, or my own self-righteousness in pointing out their flaws.
   "Those who are forgiven much, love much."  It all comes down to my ignorance of my own sin.  If I saw my sin as it really was, I would be more grateful of the forgiveness I have been given each and every day.  In that heart of gratitude, I could more easily absorb the pain and forgive others.  I'm just thankful I have the Holy Spirit to help me in this, because I'm pretty much a mess.

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. 

- Ephesians 4:31,32        

Oh, Lisbeth Salander, how you do love your revenge.